*20 weeks*

Well, here I am, 20 weeks, finally at the halfway point.

Dizziness has gone away pretty well. Sometimes I don't even "feel" pregnant these days, besides getting insane cravings or mood swings of course.

My aunt Gidget visited recently and dropped off a bunch of stuff for baby boy:

crib bumper, sheet and comforter in a cute jungle theme, crib mobile, tons of toys, hooded towels, socks, beanies and two mattress waterproof covers.  so that helps a lot.

Since we are not going to klamath falls after all, i  don't know what is going to happen at all, and Im scared shitless. No jobs, no money, a baby on the way in another four months...chris and I are constantly bumping heads from being so stressed out. And it doesn't help that it feels like I am going to rip my own face off around 8-9 pm every night...that's when I get my worst moody time frame and it's horrible.

But I don't know what on earth to do!

I can't work, so it's all up to him and he has been trying to get a job for months and now we've basically run out of time...

I'm not worrying about four months from now, I am worrying about two weeks from now, when we have to tell our landlord we don't have 1200 for her, or next week when we have to make the car payment, or phone bills....just...we have reached the end of our time it seems and I don't know where we'll go...every time we have had a really bad time, something's worked out in the end. but now, we're past that point of something randomly happening...and it's over. Unless magically we somehow earn or find like 3K in the next week, we are screwed. If we could do our tax returns early that would pay all the bills for about a month but that's it...we'd still be without an income unless Chris can land a job thats more than minimum wage full time...

I don't even have words for the despair I have been feeling the last few weeks. For how depressed I have become. I feel like every morning I drag myself out of bed, wondering why I should even try at all? But of course, I have dannika.  And every day she says to me "just tell me what's wrong mommy" like I can just explain this to her...I tried to half way tell her what is going on, because my parents never kept us in the loop when we were broke and couldn't buy food, or pay the bills. I wanted to keep dannika informed, because child or not, she is a part of this family too.

But now...I just feel empty, emotionless...I feel like I'm just scuffling along, dragging my feet, not knowing my direction or purpose in life. All of this is out of my control at this point and I'm sinking, drowning. I pretend to be happy when someone else is around, I fake enthusiasm for anything Dannika does that she wants a 'good job' out of me for or a smile to Chris when he makes a joke. Nothing is real anymore...it's all a blur, like my face is just wax, formed by other people into what they want to see in my expression. A melting wax figure, unfeeling and stiff.

And I am afraid all is lost. I think it is at this point.